Difficult conversations

Hello Dear Reader, how are you keeping?

This week has been a week of difficult decisions and resulted in the need for difficult conversations. No one likes or looks forward to a difficult conversation. The natural thing to do is hide from it or put it off. Unfortunately, all that does is delay the conversation, often making it more difficult, more emotional and more stressful.

So what can we do instead?

The first thing is to understand why there is a need for this difficult conversation in the first place. Did I do something? Did they do something? Was it big or small? Have I taken something out of context and given it a different meaning than what was originally intended? Have they done something and are they oblivious to the consequences of what they did?

Unpicking the why often gives greater clarity over the problem. Sometimes, it can cause it to go away completely without even needing to talk it through!

The second thing is to plan the conversation. Yes, I really do mean that. Planning what to say before you get into the conversation means that you have a clear understanding of what you want to get out of the conversation. What is the purpose of the conversation? Why is that person involved in the conversation? What do you want to achieve by talking to them? What is the action or outcome that you are aiming to get as a result of the conversation?

By first unpicking what the problem is, and then planning how you will discuss it with the other person gives you confidence in the conversation.

The next step is timing. When will you talk to them? Are they busy and you're interrupting them? Are they tired or stressed when you expect them to talk to you? Do you have time to say everything you need to say? Do you have time to reach a resolution?

Booking a time for a discussion is usually a good idea, as long as its not too far in the future. Booking time with someone for a discussion shows them that you respect both your time and theirs. How many times have you been on the receiving end of a difficult conversation, it's been dropped on you out of nowhere, and all you can do is react rather than respond? If this has ever happened to you, then you know how jarring the experience is. Do you want the difficult conversation to be made more difficult by dropping it on someone out of the blue?

The counter to this is, when you book the time, don't make it sound ominous or you will stress out the other person! If they come to the agreed time feeling anxious or unsettled by the fact you want to talk to them then the conversation can go sideways quickly. Starting the conversation in a place where you are both feeling relaxed will keep things smooth.

The final step is framing. It is so easy, to go into a conversation and play the blame game. No one wants to be blamed so we created defensive barriers and get upset and angry. Instead, if you can frame the conversation as you working together to solve a problem, removing the personal contributions, people feel valued and they will be more open to agreeing to doing things differently.

"OK Laura, that's nice but I still don't want to talk to them" I hear you say! Difficult conversations need courage. They need boundaries to be set and they need us to be willing to defend those boundaries. If we are not willing to stand up for our own boundaries, why would anyone else respect them? It takes a lot of time, energy and emotion when people don't respect our boundaries, because we are giving them permission to ignore things that are important to us. And when they ignore the boundary, we allow them to walk over us.

My challenge to you this week Dear Reader is to think of a difficult conversation you have been putting off, or a boundary you would like to have, but you haven't defended in the past. How could you approach this differently in the future?

If you have trouble answering that question, coaching may help you! If this sounds interesting, please get in touch and let's see what we can unlock for you together!

Until next time Dear Reader :)

For more information about having difficult conversations, I strongly recommend the book "Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher. That book makes you realise how much psychology we are navigating on a day to day basis!