Anxiety and decision making don't mix
Elation turned to dread...
Excitement turned to nausea...
Oh fuck I've just spent a lot of money on something which could be a cult or pyramid scheme!
Dear Reader, what I had actually done was sign up for a coaching certification. That was all. I had signed up to a course on something I am good at and want to progress with, and yet all I could think was "WHAT HAVE I DONE??!"
Self esteem is a weird thing. At times I can have such rush of self esteem that it tips over into arrogance. Other times, my anxiety is at such a high level that I'm convinced I'm terrible at everything, no matter what my actual skill level is. Imposter syndrome is something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember.
Since signing up to this course a few weeks ago I've gone backwards and forwards over the decision:
"It's a lot of money"
"It's a great opportunity!"
"It's a lot to take on at the same time as looking for a new career move"
"It's a something that could help direct the next career move!"
"Other people have much more experience in this than I do"
"I won't get experience if I don't work on it and this course will allow me to do that!"
I ummed and ahhed for such a long time that the decision was taken from me - the cooling off period expired and my choice became - do the course or you've just lost all the money you invested in it!
So I'm doing the course. I'm still scared / anxious about what it will entail. I'm still convincing myself backwards and forwards that it is both a good move and a bad move. I'm still convincing myself backwards and forwards that I won't have time and that I will make time.
Ultimately, I'm doing it, and that is the most important thing. But still, the imposter syndrome is sitting there in the background, creating self doubt and chipping away at self worth.
At the same time as this, I'm looking for a new job. Now this is whole different ball game when it comes to Imposter Syndrome! There have been numerous studies about the differences between men and women when it comes to applying for jobs. Looking at job descriptions, men tend to apply if they meet 60% of the requirements, where as women tend to wait until they meet 100%.
I've been trying to keep this in mind when looking at potential jobs and yet still having the back and forth of:
"They won't hire me, I don't have X"
"They will definitely hire me, I have Y"
"They might hire me because of Z, but then they might not because of *white noise*"
Backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards until Imposter Syndrome leads to procrastination and the role being filled before I've even applied. In the end I got so fed up, I did what I always do when I've annoyed myself and did something rash and unplanned. In this case threw my CV online to see what would come about. And when nothing happened instantly, my chatty mind told me I'd failed and no one wanted me and I should be glad I have a job, even if it's not fulfilling anymore, and I stopped looking.
Then, a couple of weeks later, a couple of emails came in and a few new connection requests on LinkedIn. People actually wanted to talk to me! People actually wanted to have a conversation about potential jobs they were recruiting for based on the CV they'd seen online! Chatty brain didn't know what to do with this information, so it went quiet and watched. Imposter Syndrome receded and the initial conversations with these new connections lead to actual interview requests!
If you don't start, you don't move. If you want change, you have to make a change. If you don't know where to go, pick a direction, at least then you start moving and you can make changes as you go.
So far I've done these on a whim. Randomly signing up to a course and regretting it then procrastinating and running out of time to cancel. Randomly putting my CV on a website where people can look at it if they want to then getting distracted for a while until someone reminded me it was there.
At this moment in time, I don't have a new job yet, but there are now prospects on the horizon, new ideas about next career moves and options for the future. Unlike before, when I was rushing back and forth between extremes of confidence, now things are levelling out. I'm trusting the process after having made a first step into the unknown. Imposter Syndrome is still there in the background, but I'm making conscious choices to question the things it is telling me and reassuring it that, yes, the new thing might be scary now, but if we don't try, then we stay stuck where we are. I've finally made a change, so let's see what changes because of it!