Look after yourself before you look after others
My wonderful friend is a dumbass. Who gets told "go to A&E" by their GP and waits three weeks before actually going to minor injuries??
I love my friend and I find her endlessly frustrating. She is an awesome human, she wants to help everyone, and she is so focused on helping everyone else that she completely forgets herself. She is a single mum, lives with aging family along with her own children and feels responsible for all of them. She puts herself firmly last. Always.
I have never known anyone who is so concerned for the welfare of others that they neglect themselves entirely. My friend had come to the office where we both work, we were the only ones in our office that day, and she could hardly walk. "You went to A&E didn't you? You're doing something to sort this problem out aren't you?"
.... "well... no."
Three. Weeks. THREE WEEKS! Three weeks she had been in serious pain, ignoring it and continuing to push through because she was convinced she had to do everything herself and couldn't possibly ask anyone for help. Her 80+ year old neighbour had been checking on her everyday, asking if she needed help and she kept refusing because "I should be looking after him, he's old and frail."
"Can he walk without pain?"
.... "yes" ...
"Can you walk without pain?"
... "no" ...
"you're going to A&E today aren't you?"
... "maybe" ...
She did, thankfully. She's now going through treatment and she will improve. But it should never have got this far in the first place.
Much like the safety announcement on an aeroplane "please fit your own oxygen mask before you try to help others", we often need a reminder to put ourselves first. The problem is, when you spend so much time forgetting to put yourself first, it becomes normal. Sacrifice becomes normal. You live for others and not for yourself.
My friend is an extreme example of sacrificing yourself for others, but all to often people, especially women, end up sacrificing themselves and their own wants and needs for family, friends and loved ones.
To be clear - there is nothing wrong with looking after other people, everyday personal sacrifices go a long way to helping make the world go around. Teachers, nurses, doctors, fire fighters to name a few, the list of occupations which require sacrifice for the good of others is a long one.
However, looking after others to the point that you're no longer looking after yourself is something that helps no one in the long term. The longer you take to acknowledge and then resolve your own issues, the bigger the issue becomes and the more difficult to sort out.
Being vulnerable is difficult and uncomfortable at first. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable around others can be extremely empowering. Not only does it help you, but it shows those you open up to that they can open up as well. At that point, we're no longer struggling alone, but working together to resolve the problem. The first step is admitting that there is a problem.
The hardest part is getting started, after that everything starts to get a little easier.
And so dear reader, my challenge to you is to think about where you have been sacrificing yourself recently. Where do you need to stop, think and change something to acknowledge an issue you've been avoiding and take steps to start sorting it out? We all need reminding sometimes: we need to look after ourselves to be able to look after others. The hardest part is getting started.