Running medicine

This time last year, if you had asked me what I thought of running I'd have said "I don't like it, I'm not good at it, I'm not a runner".

Fast forward to today and I've recently completed my third 10k in two months and I'm looking at extending to longer distances!

So what has changed?  Well, in short, I have!

The very first "run" I ever did was back in 2013. A load of people I knew had signed up to the Great Sheffield 10k run because our friend, who was battling cancer at the time, had signed up to it in order to raise money for a cancer research charity. I signed up to it with good intentions, I printed off a training schedule which would get me from not running at all to running 10k in the three months that I had between signing up and the run itself, and then....

I did nothing.

No practice, ignored the training plan, continuously saying "I'll start tomorrow" with zero intention of actually doing it.

By the time the 10k came around, I had done zero practice, I went ahead with it anyway because "everyone else was doing it and I have no excuse", I came almost last and I was beaten by a woman who had turned up without any trainers and ran the whole thing in a pair of jelly shoes...  Now that was demoralising!

I finished, I got a medal and a T-shirt and thought "well, I'm not a runner so thank god that is now done and I don't have to pretend anymore. I'm not going to do a run ever again because I don't like it". So I didn't... for five years.

2018 rolled around, and the company I worked at had a lady who enjoyed running. They were trying to set up a running community at work. I was not interested...

This then became lots of people from work signing up to the Birmingham half marathon that year. I was not interested...

More and more people joined this group doing the half marathon. I was not interested...

I was asked multiple times to join in, and every time, I said no. I was not interested...

Then... the guy in the office who no one ever expected to sign up decided he would sign up... this person did not exercise, had never run that far before and yet decided to sign up and give it a go...

... So then the dilemma started... Chatty brain (CB) piped up:

CB "Everyone else is doing it..."

Me "... remember the 10k from 2013?? Remember how that went?? No, definitely not"

CB "...but everyone else is doing it!"

Me "I am not signing up to a half marathon"

CB "Well that guy did and you do more exercise than him normally. You have no excuse, everyone else is doing it so you should too"

Me "... Fuck..." *Internal screaming*

As you may have guessed, I guilt tripped myself into doing yet another run I didn't want to do, out of a sense of obligation, because I felt like I had no excuse. EVERYONE else was doing it so I had to as well.

Side note - not everyone else in the company was running it, approximately 32 / 750+ people from the company signed up (~4%). Decent group of people but definitely not everyone!

By the time the half marathon came around, I had actually tried to do some training. I had run a bit and got some distance going, I'd got over 10k and even done a couple of voluntary warm up races of shorter distances. Then two things happened very closely together around a month before the half:

1) I got injured

2) Guy in the office who no one ever expected to sign up dropped out

This would have been the perfect opportunity for me to drop out too - I had tried, I had injured my ankle, running was now painful, and the whole reason for me signing up in the first place was no longer running it! Perfect!

Did I drop out? Of course not! Because CB still felt the sense of obligation that I "had to run because everyone else is doing it. You said you'd do it so now you have to honour that" *Internal screaming gets louder*

The next few weeks saw all distance running stop, I saw a physio for my ankle who just looked at me and said "good luck..." and yet I still did not pull out, due to a sense of obligation. *Internal screaming reaches fever pitch*

The half came around, it was freezing cold, throwing it down with rain and my dodgy ankle was strapped to high heaven in an attempt to keep it together the whole way round. The first half of the run was downhill, my ankle did alright. Then the course turned back uphill...

My ankle was not alright... I then endured a horrible, miserable, wet, cold, walking/hobbling/sobbing experience of approximately 10k back uphill to get to the finish line, desperately waiting for the end of the run. In hindsight I should have found a marshal and exited the race... would CB allow that?? Absolutely not... My anxiety and sense of obligation was so strong, that even at a point where I could barely walk and was sobbing my eyes out, it still would not let me stop.

To add insult to (literal) injury, 200m from the finish line was an inflatable arch thing sponsored by a local radio station which looked like the end of the run, so I stopped there only to be told that I was "almost there"! (whoever designed that end to the course needs to run it themselves on a dodgy ankle... that penultimate arch has haunted me since October 2018...)

Anyway... about 5 minutes and 200m later, I hobbled over the finish line, collected my finishers pack, collapsed and burst into tears on my poor partner who had been there cheering me on in the pissing down rain. He pretty much carried me back to the car and I don't remember much on from that other than being freezing cold and in a serious amount of pain. That afternoon, back home huddled under a blanket, trying to warm up and ease my ankle I again said "I am never running again." It took another week for me to be able to walk properly again on my ankle, and any other form of exercise was seriously impacted for several months... thanks CB.

Fast forward another (almost) five years and my partner decides he wants to get back into running properly again, so he starts doing our local parkrun. I say goodbye to him each Saturday morning so he can go and run 5k and I stay at home in the warm.

Then after a few weeks, I get bored, so I offer to volunteer at parkrun instead of staying at home. We have a lovely time, meet some really nice people, and come home all happy.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I start volunteering every week, we get to know the people there and start joining the community. Then one week, I decide to walk the route, it's only 5k, I can walk that no problem. A couple of weeks pass and a combination of regular walking and volunteering emerges. So much so that one mad day I decide to run the route! But not uphill... no no no, walk the uphill bits...

Then progressively, the running starts to get a bit faster, I walk fewer of the uphill sections until... oh wow, I've run the whole 5k! How did that happen??? I'm not a runner, I don't like running... but I like volunteering, and I like the parkrun people and... actually I am running it every week! Huh... maybe I can run! What is the difference this time?

The difference Dear Reader, and the point of all this rambling (sorry ;) ), is that anything you do will never be done well if it is done out of obligation. Running for me started off as a horrible massive thing that was terrifying because I had to do it otherwise I'd be letting people down. So much so that I did physical damage to myself in order to fulfil that sense of obligation.

Now it has become something that I not only look forward to, but actually helps me to build relationships with people! I am fitter, I am healthier, I am feeling better on the inside which is making me make different choices about what to do on a bad day.

Now, instead of feeling like I need a glass of wine after a long horrible day, I choose to see what happens if I go out for a run for 10 minutes instead! If I get back and still want wine, fine go ahead! But more and more, getting outside, moving and doing something completely different from what the day has held so far is enough to switch off that annoying little voice in my head and learn to relax.

Chatty brain is now so quiet thanks to running, that she's no longer allowed to voice obligations. Running is now a choice and not a chore. And completely to my surprise, I'm no longer avoiding running, but actively looking for new events that might prove to be a different challenge - who knows, I may even sign up to another half marathon later this year, or choose go even further! Time will tell, but what I do know is that running is no longer something to be feared. Now, running is my medicine for a calmer and better life!

Now I choose. I choose my running medicine.

P.S. If you enjoyed this post and want to find out more about parkrun, find your local one today at www.parkrun.org.uk! They are free and are held all across the UK and in loads of other countries around the world on a Saturday morning. You can run, walk, skip, volunteer or a combination of all of the above if you choose to. You will meet great people and hopefully, if you have trouble with anxiety too, it will start helping you to overcome your fears and worries like it did for me :)

See you in the next post!