Shoes, glorious shoes

At the moment, Chatty Brain is obsessed with shoes. Chatty Brain often gets fixated on things, but this one is a new one because I'm not a particular fan of shoe shopping. I have wide, small feet which seem to be very difficult to shoe when it comes to work shoes.

Now let me be clear, I have shopped, tried on and almost been content with various pairs of shoes in what feels like the last 70 years (it has only been about 5 weeks...) Yet, CB seems to be adamant to be disappointed or find something wrong with any shoes I've found. Too big, too small, to tight, too loose, wrong colour, straps, no straps round and round and round and round. My poor darling other half has entirely given up. What started as "they're nice, they look good" is now "again? really?". I am also completely fed up. I feel as though I have viewed and tried on every pair of shoes possible in every shop I've tried, including ordering things online and inevitably sending them back.

So what's going on? I know I'm bored and want to stop looking, I know I'm annoying my other half with constantly looking / trying etc. And yet, for whatever reason this obsession seems to be sticking in a way that previous ones have abated over time.

As you may have guessed by now, this post is more about me trying to process what is happening in my head than telling you of a profound conclusion... Chatty Brain, while very quiet recently has suddenly roared into life again. And frankly, I think that is the problem.

I've been trying very hard to be kind to myself, talk to CB and calm her down in various areas of life. So why is she now stuck on shoes? I don't think she is... I think she's fixated on the new job she has no frame of reference for. Who will I be working with? When will I travel to meet them? What do I need to wear when this happens? How will I make sure I'm comfortable and smart? All of which drills down to - I have weird feet that I've always struggled to find comfortable smart shoes for, so obviously I'll have to travel immediately and therefore will have to either find something to wear now to be prepared, or I'll have to shove my feet into something uncomfortable and distracted and in pain while trying to learn about a new customer.

Hmmm... now doesn't that sound like an anxious overthinking reaction to an unknown entity... Bingo! We're getting somewhere! It's not the shoes that are annoying, it's the lack of reference for the new job!

Well, I start on Monday and I know I'm not going to a client site on the first day. I did have the option of doing this, I was called last week to ask if I'd like to go to Chicago for my first day as the rest of the project team would be there viewing the client site. I said no, for a few reasons:

1) It's my first day - what exactly would it look like to the client if I'm there saying "Hi I'm Laura, who do you work for?" trying to discern colleague from client... not a good first impression.
2) Short notice - now this wouldn't be so much of a problem, but again having just started and not knowing anyone, if there were any problems then I'd be really very stuck... risky.
3) I don't know much about what my first day will bring, but I have been told that various onboarding meetings are planned. I dislike rearranging meetings at short notice, especially when I don't know the people I'm meeting with well / at all.

Fortunately, my new employer was OK with my decision - I was actually told "I think you've made the right call there" which is pretty nice!

Looking at my reasons now, I still believe I made the correct decision, but I can also see some limiting beliefs and sentiments coming through, namely - "what will people think of me?", "I don't want to let anyone down" and "what if something goes wrong?"

I bet this sounds familiar to you too Dear Reader! While these are perfectly sensible reasons in this situation, they could also be used to hold me back from opportunities in life and in my new job.

At the moment, the balance is correct, but this is acting as a good reminder to keep in mind the reasons behind the decisions. You don't always need to be in your comfort zone, and certainly it will be more difficult to grow if you do, but you will always need a comfort zone to revert to in order to replenish your energy. Replenishing your energy is key to your wellbeing, therefore it comes first.
You also won't always have certainty, but some situations are riskier than others - understanding your relationship to risk is something that will help you, but we'll leave that for another time.

All in all, I thought I really needed some work shoes, what I actually need is a greater understanding of what my new job will look like! Right now, having written this all down, CB is quieter than she has been for a while, she's no longer wondering about going back online to look up yet more pairs of work shoes which she'll inevitably be dissatisfied with - because that's not what she wants. She wants certainty. Well, on Monday, when the new job starts, she will get a clearer picture and we'll go from there. In the meantime I get to talk to Bob in IT about setting up a laptop - fun! Always fun to work with a Bob :)

So if you've found yourself stuck, or ruminating on something recently, stop. Dig a little deeper and see what may really be driving it. You could find it's something completely different! And if you'd like to discuss it, drop a message in the comments and we'll connect :)

Untill next time, have a good one Dear Reader!